Struggle With The Questions: What do I really want?
Years ago, I read Sam Keen’s Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. The book had an indelible impact on my ideas of being a man. Keen said a man “who is a pilgrim, who has lost his way, asks the perennial, mythic questions.” I must struggle with these questions throughout my life. Here are my answers to these perennial questions.
What do I really want?
As I’ve grown older and more aware of my mind and heart, my wants and desires have changed. As a boy, I wanted to play video games all day. As a teen, I wanted to be cool. In my twenties, I wanted nothing, I dithered and drifted in a fog of mediocrity. Now in my thirties, I want to be an artist.
I once thought my primary motivation for doing anything of significance was to achieve recognition and praise for being an original. The alluring fruits of artistic fame have been a sumptuous dish that I’ve dreamed about for a few years. Being creative is entwined with my self-esteem. It’s the foundation of who I am and who I want to be known as, yet I’ve learned not to take the rejection of my work personally.
I want nothing more than to express and pull out the colorful juju inside of me. My search for my creative self is a lonely journey, one where my discoveries, when shared with the world, will probably be greeted with collective indifference. I’m comfortable with each day of practicing my craft, my art, and with the delight of patiently finding myself as the reward itself. I feel exuberant and vibrant joy in affirming my true calling, its what my nature begs for, I create therefore I am.